Where Ladybugs Roar

Confessions and Passions of a Compulsive Writer

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I close my eyes, and it begins, and it doesn't end.

I thought my insomnia had broken a few nights ago. I'd hoped it had, but I think it was wishful thinking. Some nights, I spend more time trying to get to sleep than actually sleeping. Some nights, I'll spend six hours trying to get to sleep and only three or four hours sleeping. This last week has been like that... and to add to the misery, I've started getting tension headaches from lack of sleep and stress. It's like the insult I could have done without.

If I've seemed short with anyone this week... I apologize; I haven't been myself. I've been that other Wendy... and none of us like her. She's mean. She yells everything. She's a little like the Hulk... only slightly less green and bulky.

Tonight, I've been lying in bed for an hour and a half staring at the back of my eyelids. I've tried to con my mind into focusing on fiction rather than nonfiction (aka stress)... but not SECRETS because then I'd have to get up and write it down. In some ways, it's working. I've got a full story going on in my head... but I'm still awake.

Last summer, I spent the summer writing short stories--writing the stories that I used to get to sleep. The summer's story collection is an ode to insomnia. It's around 150K. My insomnia generated 150K worth of stories.

This summer, I'm trying to focus on projects, but it's not working as well as the short stories.

I feel wrung out, shattered... hopeless. I know most of it is because of a lack of sleep. You can only go without sleep for so long. Your body starts dragging your brain down to sleep regardless of whether you're awake. Plus, everything seems impossible and hard when you're this tired.

Then, there is the kids. T isn't doing so well. He is in constant overload. I'm not sure how he is going to handle scout camp this week. B is doing better, but they argue when T is like this. The arguing and the constant noise is getting to me. My skin itches to be in right now.

I know I can get through this and work on what I need to. I know I can. I know it'll be done by the end of August. I just wish I could get from point A to point B as easily during the summer as during the fall.

Even the moon is annoying me tonight... it's too bright. It's freakishly bright.

*sighs* Insomnia is brutal. Your body is so tired. You feel exhausted clear to the bones and, yet, you're awake. It feels as if you've piled sandbags on every square inch of you--you feel THAT tired... and yet you're awake.

For hours.

Staring at the back of your eyelids.

And you have early morning church.


Okay, I'm going back to stare at the freakishly bright moon. Night.


  1. I suffer from insomnia as well. Some nights I stay in bed and TRY to sleep, but more often I get up and write or read or play stupid flash cames. I know the stress that results. I know about being so surly no one wants to come near you. It's a problem that just compounds as the stress keeps you from getting to sleep.

    I know this might be impossible, but I recommend a nap. A scheduled nap. Make your plan for tackling all the things stressing you out and book a nap in the middle of it. You might not sleep, but simply relaxing in the middle of the rush might be enough to help you kick through the rest of the schedule and be less stressed when you go to bed for the night as well.

    Sadly, I rely on drugs. My brain will NOT shut up at night and I'm on a slow-release pill that puts it out and keeps it 'quiet' in the morning. I wish I didn't need it, but every time I forget, I don't sleep. If it's a chronic, unavoidable problem, you might want to talk to a doctor.

  2. Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been suffering from insomnia. I hope it goes away soon. :(

  3. Kimberly, I've had insomnia since I was a child and it's the byproduct of hormones and OCD. So, I've tried lots of things over the years including many RX and OTC meds. The only RX med that had the right reaction is one that's considered a last resort controlled substance, so I can only get about a dozen pills at once and I should only use them to break a stubborn insomnia cycle. None of the meds safe for daily or regular usage did a thing. The doctor and I have talked about a voluntary hysterectomy to try to ease both my insomnia and OCD, but it's obviously not something I want to dive into... especially since it might not work. Naps seem to make it worse, but a "quiet time" might help. It's just hard to find quiet time during the summer when you have Special Needs kids. I might have to try that anyway. Thank you.

    Michelle, thanks. I hope so. It usually cycles and the cycles rarely last more than a couple weeks. I'm on like day 10 or 11 of insomnia, so it should break soon. I hope it does.

  4. [BIG HUGS] So sorry you're having a rough time!

  5. Yeesh. That sucks, Wendy. I don't know whether to send you a big hug or hire a ninja to hit you with a baseball bat and knock you out. :(

    *sends huge, sanitary hug*

    *checks yellow pages for ninja listings*

  6. I'm sorry. I want to send Mountain Dew laced with sleep medication, but that sounds like it would confuse the heck out of your brain. *hugs* I hope you find a decent sleep rhythm soon.

  7. I saw your reference to insomnia on twitter. I have had the condition for most of my life. There might be some things in my insomnia blog you might find helpful. (the link is in my name) Good luck to you. @faceonmars