Where Ladybugs Roar

Confessions and Passions of a Compulsive Writer

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Splashing the Lamb's Blood About

I've never had this vile of a cold... that lasts forever. I've now had this stupid thing for over two weeks and my cough sounds as fresh as if it's that second miserable day of a sickness. I keep coughing so hard that I throw up and that stupid cracked rib that had finally healed feels as if it's re-cracked or is bruised.

Finally, on Tuesday, I gave into my husband's demands that I go to a doctor. I sound like I'm on my death bed in the throes of the plague, but apparently it's just an average, everyday, boring cold that is knocking tons of the city down.

So, here am I... still sick... still coughing... still wondering how this can possibly be just a cold. On the other hand, the visit to the doctor and this illness firmed up my opinion on something. I've been struggling to keep my dosages on my OCD meds appropriate for how much I'm eating... which has basically been nothing. I've never had a cold kill my appetite like this. I've dropped 15 lbs in two weeks due to a cold. It's completely frustrating. I've had to skip doses rather than "over-dose" on the meds. I'm tired of this exactness when it comes to medication. I'm sick of medication. I lasted longer this time than I have in the past. I think I'm at three years of meds. I'm not doing this anymore.

It's not just this though. The tediousness of getting dosages right at the right time is a piss-poor reason to quit taking medication.

It's the memory loss. This stupid "blow to the head" levels of memory loss isn't worth it. As I was at the doctor's, he was asking me questions that I couldn't answer. I wish I could describe to you how it feels to have each day swallowed up behind you in this hazy blackness so that you can't remember anything that isn't in your long term memory storage. I'm tired of sending myself emails to remind me of things or repeating things... or connecting things to numbers or stupid phrases. You shouldn't have to use little mnemonic devices to remember things as stupid as a single thought.

So... I'm just done for a bit. Chances are that it's a reprieve, but I need one. I'll be crabby and moody while I'm coming off and then it'll be a struggle to adjust to the full-on OCD experience again.

Having OCD is very much like having your worst enemy live in your head... I've been giving some thought to writing a novel about it... but it just seems like it might be too dark. I don't know. Maybe in a few weeks I'll give it some more thought.

Thanks for understanding. If you ever have any questions, as you can see, I'm completely honest about my OCD. I hid it for twenty-eight years until B was diagnosed, and then I decided to throw it out into the light of day and quit behaving as if it was a dirty secret. It's genetics and hormones and chemicals and that's all it is. Well... perhaps it's also fate or divine intervention... but it's still not dark and dirty. I don't regret my past suppression of it, but I won't let my daughter grow up believing that she is evil or dark.

Chemicals and genetics.

Yeah. Good times.


  1. I really hope you feel better!

    I hid/have been hiding my OCD like a dirty secret too (although I'm pretty open about it online, where I feel a sense of relative anonymity). Why is that? Is it the perceived stigma attached to it, I wonder? I guess there's a stigma. Although most of the people I meet seem to think OCD is a glittery picnic in the park or something ... they think it's all "ew germy stuff is gross, I like to wash my hands and be clean occasionally" and "I really like to keep my house neat and have everything at right angles!" I try to explain that it's actually like a never-ending scream in my head and they just look at me like HUH? I can't find a good way to explain it. And I do get tired of trying to convince people I'm really suffering from something real. So maybe that's why I don't talk about it w/ people I know.

    Sorry the meds aren't working. I haven't ever tried medication, but I want to. If it kills your memory though I dunno if I can do that.

  2. What I wanted to say was, if you ever need somebody to talk to about the OCD thing, email me. I'm right there with you.

  3. I have a friend who has the same horrible cold. She almost broke a rib coughing. I'm going to send her a link to this blog!

  4. We're really worried about you here at home. I told mom you were really really sick and that you hadn't tweeted anything all day. I wanted to call and say I hoped you were okay. But I didn't want to make you talk on the phone. Love you hope you feel better.