Finally, on Tuesday, I gave into my husband's demands that I go to a doctor. I sound like I'm on my death bed in the throes of the plague, but apparently it's just an average, everyday, boring cold that is knocking tons of the city down.
So, here am I... still sick... still coughing... still wondering how this can possibly be just a cold. On the other hand, the visit to the doctor and this illness firmed up my opinion on something. I've been struggling to keep my dosages on my OCD meds appropriate for how much I'm eating... which has basically been nothing. I've never had a cold kill my appetite like this. I've dropped 15 lbs in two weeks due to a cold. It's completely frustrating. I've had to skip doses rather than "over-dose" on the meds. I'm tired of this exactness when it comes to medication. I'm sick of medication. I lasted longer this time than I have in the past. I think I'm at three years of meds. I'm not doing this anymore.
It's not just this though. The tediousness of getting dosages right at the right time is a piss-poor reason to quit taking medication.
It's the memory loss. This stupid "blow to the head" levels of memory loss isn't worth it. As I was at the doctor's, he was asking me questions that I couldn't answer. I wish I could describe to you how it feels to have each day swallowed up behind you in this hazy blackness so that you can't remember anything that isn't in your long term memory storage. I'm tired of sending myself emails to remind me of things or repeating things... or connecting things to numbers or stupid phrases. You shouldn't have to use little mnemonic devices to remember things as stupid as a single thought.
So... I'm just done for a bit. Chances are that it's a reprieve, but I need one. I'll be crabby and moody while I'm coming off and then it'll be a struggle to adjust to the full-on OCD experience again.
Having OCD is very much like having your worst enemy live in your head... I've been giving some thought to writing a novel about it... but it just seems like it might be too dark. I don't know. Maybe in a few weeks I'll give it some more thought.
Thanks for understanding. If you ever have any questions, as you can see, I'm completely honest about my OCD. I hid it for twenty-eight years until B was diagnosed, and then I decided to throw it out into the light of day and quit behaving as if it was a dirty secret. It's genetics and hormones and chemicals and that's all it is. Well... perhaps it's also fate or divine intervention... but it's still not dark and dirty. I don't regret my past suppression of it, but I won't let my daughter grow up believing that she is evil or dark.
Chemicals and genetics.
Yeah. Good times.