Unsent Messages and Unsaid Words

A long, long, long time ago, I won a book in a contest by a Twitter friend Regan Leigh. It was called Other People's Love Letters and I  loved this book... it totally made me feel like a voyeur, but I still loved it. There is something about reading something you were never meant to see that appeals to the sneak in me.  It's like people watching in someone's diary.  I find human nature and psychology fascinating so that book was one of the best books I've read this year.

I bring it up because I was hunting for something yesterday, and I suspected I'd emailed it to myself to remember it.  It's a trick I frequently do because my memory is lousy... it's even worse on meds, but it's not spectacular either way.  Instead, I stumbled across a few other things I'd sent myself--weird emails that both fascinate and disturb me.  I send myself is things I say, but don't say--like blog posts I don't post because I'm not brave enough or crazy enough.  There are emails to people that I need to get out, but don't need them to read.  A few years ago, I stumbled across a letter I'd written to an ex-boyfriend who'd just dumped me... one that was never sent.  Between all these different things, I've got quite the correspondence with myself that isn't to me.  There are all these things I've said, but never said.

It makes me wonder... how many sealed envelopes are out there that are never sent?

I know other people do this.  Sometimes you need things to be said but not said.  I've had therapists recommend this to me so I can "let go" of things that my OCD wants to obsess on, so I know it's a practice used by other people.  There may be millions of these letters, emails, and so on... gathering dust.  They're the roads left untaken, the opportunities for vehemence or confession left behind.

How different would my life be today if I had said these things?  If I had sent these letters, emails, posted these blogs posts what would have happened?  Did I make the right choice?

I don't know, but it intrigues me.

One of the blog posts that I didn't post in its entirety was written almost exactly one year ago.  I'd been talking about getting off the meds. (I hit one year four days ago... and I think that's part of why it's been so difficult for me recently... those stupid date benchmarks.)  It's very dark and that's why I didn't post it.  It's dark and pessimistic, and I was afraid it was too honest. It still feels too honest... but it is interesting.

Here is a portion of what I left unsaid last year at this time:

I've been cutting back on my meds for a year now... because I hate letting anything control me. I'm stubborn and stupid that way... and it's everything to do with OCD also. Control is a commodity in my mind. I'm down to just one med... and its side effects. The one med I'm down to controls the dark, paranoid thoughts that are a hallmark of OCD. It's the reason why memory loss is a possible symptom. If you live in the current fifteen seconds, the rest of your life doesn't eat you alive. So, naturally, going off the meds means that I'll be plunged back into the hell that is the mind of someone with OCD. 

I'll probably be moody the next few weeks... and distant and pissy... and angry at the world. I'll be frustrated as it settles its claws back into me because B also has OCD and it's probably as severe as mine is. In a few weeks, my strange sense of humor will overcome my pessimism and I'll pull on my facade of mental health and we'll all be happy again.

It's not an easy decision... and it might not even be the right one. Anyway, so there it is. Dr. Jekyll is sick of controlling Mr. Hyde after three years. We'll see if my dark mind can behave itself enough that I can be off meds for long enough to store up some long term memories for when it's time to go back into the cage.

Pop quiz--Chapters

I've got to get back to editing, but it feels wrong not post today. I'm planning on completing my thorough run-through working with Diana's comments. It's been a few months since I tackled this manuscript, and I think I've made a lot of progress as a writer since the last time I worked on it, and I'd done a thorough rewrite then. I am discovering a lot of passive stuff for a first person narrative. I've got to do a search and find after I'm done. I've written out the "markers" I'm looking for to see if I've slipped back to passive voice. I'm also finding a moderate amount of "telling" rather than "showing" that I need to work on. Plus, there are just words I overuse. Cough *suddenly* cough.

Here is my list of top-offenders of passive and sloppy writing markers:

thought, wondered, imagined, "a little", felt, looked, walked, noticed, softly, quietly, seemed, then, suddenly, "pointed out", that, smiled, laughed, chuckled, grinned, knew, liked, grabbed, "my eyes", "my face", wanted, saw, expected, brought, turned, guessed, suspected, needed, gasped, hoped, shocked, confused, awkwardly, forcefully, frustrated.

Anyway, for those that like to give an opinion, today I only have one question. The husband is currently working through Artemus Fowl books which have seriously long chapters. Each book only has around ten chapters. On the other hand, I've read books--and I think Koontz does this--where some chapters are only one page long--so the final story might have fifty or more chapters.

So, pop quiz:

1. Do you like to read books with long or short chapters?

(a.) I like books with short chapters.

(b.) I like books with super long chapters.

(c.) The length doesn't matter as long as they break at location changes, mood changes, characters changes, etc.

(d.) 42

(e.) I don't care either way. I've never really noticed a preference.

(f.) Potatoes are good.

(g.) All of the above.

If you feel the need to explain, go for it.

BTW, the scoring will be much more forgiving than yesterday's questionnaire. No scores will lead to certain death--though you can be in a lot of pain before you are actually dead for the record. 1-127 will get a balloon sent to them media mail. 128-4,650 will eat food at some point during the next 24 hours. Those scoring negative--well, it'll be a surprise, but don't go there--seriously.

Okay, back to Honor Among Thieves.

Those Voices in my head

Danielle at Upstart Crow Literary brought up this topic and it's had me thinking all week. When you write or read a book (to yourself,) whose voice do you hear narrating the book? Is it your own... a relative's... or someone else entirely.

I realized that I had different voices for nearly every story I write, and sometimes, for each character. I thought everyone did. Even my third person books are like that... the narrators are definitely not me in most cases. When I read books, it's the same way... lots of different voices.

For example, Charlie from the first Sarah book is totally Dermot Mulroney. I don't know why or how, but he is. Each of the Sarahs has a different voice and, despite what my family might think, Seattle Sarah, who has OCD, sounds nothing like me in my head. Meg's voice is definitely, 100 percent, Catherine Zeta Jones. May's voice, in one of the books I'm currently writing, is Kate Reinder's (an audiobook reader.) The Master's voice in the Honor books is James Marsters (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.) Many of my books, the third person narrator is Johanna Parker who narrated the Mediator series of audiobooks. I can't pin down most of the other characters as easily, though. I suspect many of them are narrators of audiobooks that I've listened to, but I could be wrong.

So, only one character in all the books I've written has my voice... and it's strange to me that she does. Honor. Honor is the only character that has my voice. I think that's why that series of books I've chosen to write more than just one book using the exact same main character. (For those unfamiliar with the Sarah books... it's different main characters in each one... though they're linked and several have the name Sarah.)

Anyway, it got me thinking this week about the voices in my head... and not just in a worried way.