Where Ladybugs Roar

Confessions and Passions of a Compulsive Writer

Friday, May 28, 2010

Rejected on a Rejection

So, I received one of my rejections back but I didn't get my rejection back. The small "we didn't like your stuff" form card (yes... not even a full sheet of paper) came wrapped in my query in my SASE. Ouch.

Since I made each rejection personal... I know which one I should have received. Here it is:

Earthling Writer,

Weve intercepted your inter-city communication and we were most curious to read of your plans for young earthling Lucas. Were taking this back to our planet to publish and will bring you back your remuneration in Tak-tak bladders, the currency of our planet. If all goes well, we may request you visit our planet to discuss this matter further. Its approximately seventy earth years away, so weve acknowledged the best failsafe would be to crystallize you in the meantime. Please prepare yourself for our arrival by eating only nutritious and low-sodium meals.

The climate on our planet is very harsh and barren, but our green hearts are warm and enjoy tales of bipedal romance. Weve returned here as Earthling Shakespeare can only be read three hundred and sixty-eight times before his texts grow monotonous. Weve outlawed the words Forsooth and Herewith and those unwise Lurglots which replicate them are flailed with Tak-tak tongues.

Your compliance is non-negotiable and the agent originally meant to receive this communication is most desirous that you meet our demands with gratitude. She is most resistant to the idea of taking your place in our crystallizing chamber.

By the authority of Commander Clayflock

Translation:

Earthling Writer,

We have intercepted your inter-city communication and we were most curious to read of your plans for young earthling Lucas. We are taking this back to our planet to publish and will bring you back your remuneration in Tak-tak bladders, the currency of our planet. If all goes well, we may request you visit our planet to discuss this matter further. It is approximately seventy earth years away, so we have acknowledged the best failsafe would be to crystallize you in the meantime. Please prepare yourself for our arrival by eating only nutritious and low-sodium meals.

The climate on our planet is very harsh and barren, but our green hearts are warm and enjoy tales of bipedal romance. We have returned here because Earthling Shakespeare can only be read three hundred and sixty-eight times before his texts grow monotonous. We have outlawed the words “Forsooth” and “Herewith” and those unwise Lurglots which replicate them are flailed with Tak-tak tongues.

Your compliance is non-negotiable and the agent originally meant to receive this communication is most desirous that you meet our demands with gratitude. She is most resistant to the idea of taking your place in our crystallizing chamber.

By the authority of Commander Clayflock

8 comments:

  1. I like that one much better than the usual form rejections. ;)

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  2. Wow, it is going to be murder doing a book signing there.

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  3. At least you can joke about it! I'm just about to query, so I'll have them rolling in. :0

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  4. Someone needs to slap that agent's hand! How dare they not return your rejection back to you! It's an outrage! A scandal! *waves fist in the air*

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  5. I personally find the whole idea of writing your own rejection completely and utterly pants-peeing-hillarious. However, are you concerned that they might think you're crazy? Like, certifiable?

    Just curious. I mean, I'm sure you weighed the risk v, reward.

    SUPER mean that they didn't return it. They probably kept it because it was so cool. I would sleep with that under my pillow if you sent it to me. :)

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  6. So the agent doesn't have the translation? I'll bet she's sending it to all of her colleagues, trying to figure out what it says;)

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  7. Well, Amber, I'm only sending them in the SASE I'm expected to send with hard-copies. I'm not doing very many hard-copies. Snail mail and printing copies costs money, but also pride when you get those SASE back with a rejection. Once you factor in the stamp... you've paid to reject yourself. I've never received any good news in the SASEs, so I figure by the time they get to filling the envelopes I've been written off.

    Anyway... It's just another way to avoid getting all pathetic over this whole querying process.

    Melissa, the translation was there too. It was just as I posted. It would be a big pain to try to translate a hard-copy of webdings. LOL.

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