So, it makes sense that at its base... OCD-related depression would be complex. For most people without mental illness of some form, the harbinger of depression is often obvious. A death. Money problems. Stress. Emotional conflicts. For those with OCD, it could be deeply-rooted in their OCD issues and hard to wriggle out.
It could be something as strange as sitting next to someone with a fever and not immediately getting up and washing your hands. (I did this Tuesday night... and that's when the depression seemed to start.) That feeling of contamination could bury me for a week. It could be less complex: I'm back from Disneyland and back to reality and I have a ton to do this week. I got a flat tire yesterday. My husband is really sick with a nasty, nasty, nasty cold of some kind. (Thankfully, not a fever... or throwing up... as far as I know.) It could be hormones. It could be the weather. It could be that I'm not taking the right mixture of vitamins. It could be that my 28 year old sister is pregnant with her fourth child... and while I'm happy for her... I'm still sad for me. It could be guilt for feeling that way about my sister's pregnancy.
Or it might really honestly be that I sat next to a five year old sick child for an hour on Tuesday so I could talk to her mother... and my skin has been crawling ever since then. I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing on it. I've thought about it at least twice an hour since Tuesday night. It's the demon I can't exorcise. My brain keeps digging it out to think about.
Have you ever ordered yourself not to think about a specific thing ever again?
It works great, huh?
Yeah, I do that a lot. It never works.
It's ridiculous. It is.
Being depressed without reason makes me feel weak. It makes me feel as if I'm ungrateful. It makes me feel broken. It makes me feel... depressed.
That's how OCD is most of the time. One big ball of irony wrapped in obsessions and compulsions and deep-rooted paranoia. It's fun.
That was sarcasm, by the way. There is a lot of sarcasm involved in having OCD too. At least for me.
Anyway, when I get my act together and after my parents aren't visiting, I'll maybe post some Disneyland pictures and tell you about my trip. T is set to get baptized this weekend. (Children are baptized at age 8+ in the LDS church.) The husband was a trooper while I was gone... especially considering he was sick nearly the whole time. I think he'll end up seeing a doctor today.
Today is a running day. (I run on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and have for about five years... when I've been running.) I'm hoping the endorphins will kick this depression in the head. If not... *shrugs* I'll spend another day wondering if it was worth it to build a friendship at the cost of my sanity. Well... to build a friendship and to prove that I'm not as affected by OCD as I am... which, in another fun show of irony, I think I've proven that I am.
*sighs* I swear I could feel the heat pouring off this five year old. *head slap*
I am broken.