Where Ladybugs Roar

Confessions and Passions of a Compulsive Writer

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Late Night Thoughts

So, yesterday was a very odd day. I'd finally made some real and significant decisions and decided to set aside the traditional publishing route for a while so, naturally, I'd no sooner discussed it with my husband and mentioned it on Twitter... then I got an email that blew that crap. (It was within minutes... irony has peaked in my life.) It was a good email, don't get me wrong. It was good news... somewhat... and a good email. It was just ironic that I'd finally decided something and I'd need to reevaluate it... again. Being a writer means that you live in this state of limbo... you're always waiting for something before you can actually make a choice.

Anyway, despite that, I managed to break my insomnia cycle finally which isn't unusual. Stress only slightly factors into my insomnia. My insomnia cycles of a week on and a week off are typically induced by hormones and my OCD. Medication only alleviates symptoms... and I have to take either hardcore sleeping meds (the kind of sleeping pills they only give you in small amounts and other doctors are horrified you're taking them at all) or, strangely enough, dramamine. (I don't question weird things like this. Dramamine is my gift horse for right now. I dread the day it stops making me sleepy.)

I've complained about my insomnia before and how I wish I could just shut off my brain, but I've never really mentioned what I think about and I think an insomniac writer is a different breed of weird from most insomniacs who stay up late thinking about normal worries. So, here is my typical, atypical night of thoughts on an insomnia night.

10:00 *Lays down* I hope that this will be the night I sleep. This insomnia jag can't last that much longer. Can it? What day am I on? Oh ugh... there was that one that lasted nearly a month. I won't last that long.
10:01 Concentrate on relaxing. Concentrate! Concentrate! RELAX!!!!
10:02 That's not working. Relax feet. Relax legs. Relax.... if I did decide to sketch out the switchblade in Honor books for the cover... I could have her holding it in her hand and have her legs in the background.
10:03 If I had a real switchblade that was more of a stilleto-style... that would be... HEY! I stopped relaxing!
10:04 Relax... where was I? Oh... relax legs... relax knees... tomorrow is Tuesday. I can get a run in tomorrow. I should probably put bandaids on my toes so I don't get blisters. Crap. I'm not sure if I have bandaids I'm not allergic to. Hmm... Those Handy Manny bandaids were really the best of the paper-style bandaids but geez they looked dorky. I think even the kids hated them.
10:05 I should really make sure I go through B's papers in the morning. I bet she has that project coming up. I need to sign all those things.
10:06 Maybe I should change my signature. I've had the same signature for a while.
10:07 If I changed my signature, would that mean everything I've signed in the past would become moot or would my new signature be labelled as incorrect?
10:08 This is why I can never be famous because I'll be locked into a single signature for the rest of my life. Not that I want to be famous.
10:09 That would be total hell. People would be poking into my life and think that everything I do can be commented on. Ugh. Stephanie Meyer. Blech. I would hate to be her.
10:10 You know, there had to come a day of reckoning for Jacob when he'd have to tell Renesmee that he totally tried to hook up with her mom. I mean, that's why you never have one of your characters attracted to an ovum. That day of reckoning eventually comes.
10:11 How would that go?
10:12 "Renesmee, I know we've been together since you were born and now you're all seven and hot and grown-up... but when you were an ovum... I totally tried to get with your mom because you were all in her ovaries and I was really hot for you... when you were an ovum. I hope we can work past that and get married... now that you're seven. That's cool, right?"
10:13 I'm totally not relaxing.
10:14 Should I start over relaxing my feet? Or just start where I stopped when I started thinking about Stephanie Meyer's books?
10:15 You know the other major flaw with that whole thing was that if Bella was really able to have kids and her reproductive system was functioning... Edward should have gone nuts once a month on her. Maybe it's different when it's THAT kind of.... Eww... this is a really creepy bunch of thoughts.
10:16 Not any more creepy than a guy waiting for a baby to reach seven before he hooks up with her... but still creepy. I mean, how creepy was that?
10:17 I'm still not relaxing.
10:18 Shut off, brain. Just shut off. I really need to pay those bills tomorrow. I hate money. I hate it. Even if I had it... I would hate it... I'm pretty sure.
10:19 If I really could shut off my brain, that would be totally sci-fi.
10:20 Would I be like a zombie and unable to turn it back on? I mean, that would make sense, right? If you slipped into some sort of altered state of consciousness without being able to form thoughts... you wouldn't be able to form the thought to start thinking again.
10:21 I wonder if hypnosis would help me get to sleep?
10:22 What if I had the same reaction to hypnosis as I would to the whole zombie thing? What if the hypnotic suggestion was so strong that I never woke up again or, even when I woke up, I still was relaxed? Could I survive a world in which my personality was relaxed?
10:23 No. That would be weird.
10:24 I just don't think I was meant to be relaxed. I've had like a kajillion thoughts just since I thought that thought... the one about being relaxed.
10:25 I'm totally not relaxed. *looks at clock* Bugger.
10:26 Still, hypnosis might be interesting to research. I wonder if you can be hypnotized by someone online. It's probably not safe to mess around with hypnosis while the husband is gone and I'm home alone.
10:27 Is hypnosis that strong?
10:28 I should know more about that. Especially before I started messing around with hypnosis online. The kids would come home from school and I'd be like this zombie, staring at my laptop.
10:29 Could you really get someone to commit a crime through hypnosis or is that just movie crap?
10:30 If I was going to get someone to commit a crime through hypnosis what would it be?
10:31 It'd be a robbery, right?
10:32 Totally... what kind of robbery? Would I go all old school? Maybe an art heist.
10:33 The problem with stolen art, though, is that the whole point of art is to display it... and you wouldn't be able to... not really.
10:34 Unless you had a reproduction of ... the Scream... and you swapped it out with the real thing... and then it would also be like your joke on the world. People would say "Oh... hey... is that the Scream?"
10:35 "Yeah... it's a reproduction." And you could just like laugh. That would be awesome.
10:36 I wonder if that's what keeps happening to the Scream. I mean, if I was to steal a painting....
10:37 I'm still not relaxing. Okay. Concentrate, Wendy! Relax. Relax. Relax.
10:38 What if I never get to sleep? What if I'm not getting any REM sleep to the point that I just eventually drop into a coma and die?
10:39 Well, this is really relaxing me.
10:40 Maybe not art, then. What else would I force my hypnotized minion to steal?
10:41 Money. No, that's stupid. I hate money.... I really need to pay those bills tomorrow. I hate money. Paying bills with stolen money would be a nightmare. What if you got caught and had to pay both places back? That'd suck. No... I wouldn't have them steal money to pay bills. There's no elegance in that. Maybe information?
10:42 Insider trading stopped being sexy when Martha Stewart did it.
10:43 Really... any crime would become less sexy if Martha Stewart did it. She could be great for crime prevention. She'd be like the next McDuff. "Hey... I did this... and now... it's a good thing." That'd take your bite out of crime.
10:44 Relax your thighs... relax your butt.
10:45 How come some women have their butt fat just look right and not chunky? That seems unfair. I mean, even when I'm in top shape and running... I bet now my butt fat would just ride on top of the muscle and still look like butt fat. In fact, it might look worse having butt fat ride on top of muscle. I should check that out.
10:46 How would I check that out? Stare at runner's butts while I'm out on errands? What kind of weirdo would that make me? Why am I thinking about butts?
10:47 Relax your stomach.
10:48 I should do more sit-ups. I should do sit-ups daily... like every day... like tomorrow. I should start tomorrow. *looks at clock* I'm still not asleep.
10:49 I hate insomnia. I hate it so much. I'm so sick of just lying awake here trying to stop thinking. If only I could stop thinking.
10:50 I could be writing. I could be revising.
10:51 When I wake up tomorrow... I should really get rid of that one thing later on in the book. I didn't really like it when I wrote it.
10:52 Why didn't I like it? Was it because it was too personal? Or because it just sucked? It might have just sucked, but I never really asked anyone. They might like it. No... it just sucks.
10:53 I wonder if published authors think stuff like that about their books. I wonder if they think "That one bit in Chapter eight reeks and makes me want to beat my head against something but everyone else likes it. If only I'd never written it. If I'd never written it, they'd never have had the chance to like it."
10:54 I wonder if Stephanie Meyer thinks that about Breaking Dawn.
10:55 *snickers to self* Renesmee.
10:56 I'm still not relaxed. Relax... bugger that... where was I? Was I relaxing my stomach or... well, it's not like I can really relax my boobs. Relax, boobs. *snickers again* Okay, now I'm not asleep and hopefully my husband can't hear me laughing to myself.
10:57 Who am I kidding? He's been asleep for almost an hour now. He's been asleep since he first thought of going to sleep. Even before he was asleep... he was asleep.
10:58 I'm not even making any sense I'm so tired. I'm not going to think of anything for an entire minute... and maybe I'll just drop off to sleep like that. Not thinking. Not thinking. Not thinking. I'm not thinking of anything. La-la-la-la-la I'm not thinking.
10:59 What if I never, ever, ever sleep again? Ever?
11:00 Crap. I'm still not relaxed.
11:00-11:30 *basically more of the same but this time instead of Stephanie Meyer and Martha Stewart... it's Nicholas Sparks and Gandhi. Instead of hypnotism and butts... it's buying more pita chips and how I feel about cleft chins*
11:31 Maybe I should just get up and write or read for a few hours until I'm actually sleepy.
*gets up*
1:00 a.m. Relax. Concentrate on relaxing. Relax. Relax. Relax. Concentrate!!!
1:01 What was she thinking when she used the name Renesmee and why did no one stop her? I wonder if anyone brought it up? If I'd been her agent or her editor... I would have said something.

So, that's basically how it goes... endless hours of thinking about things that are mostly pointless. I think most people with insomnia worry about rational things, though. I'll leave that to them.


  1. I've had nights like that. I'm sorry you have them so often :(

  2. Yes, Di, but think about how much writing I get done... err... when I'm not focused on Breaking Dawn or other people's butts... I'm standing by the hypnotism thing... that's some quality brain-wandering.

  3. It's weird, but I never have any problem falling asleep, but i do often wake up at 4 in the morning and can't get back to sleep because my brain turns on with all kinds of worries and random thoughts.
    So sorry you suffer from this - I can't even imagine how hard it would be. But your writing output is phenomenal and you do think of interesting things that could make for interesting stories.

    I'm totally with you on Breaking Dawn - that whole book is whacked. You had me laughing over the seven year old romance thoughts - so disgusting to have a grown man in love with a baby - what was Stephanie Meyer thinking? Maybe she was hypnotized.

    Hope you get some sleep soon.

  4. Hey, Mary! I think my insomnia jag has broken which means I typically get at least a week to recover. I hope so anyway.