Losing My Voice To Find Theirs

So, this has been the strangest revision I've ever done. Adding in a southern accent into a first person POV just isn't something you do every day... thank heavens. It's brutal. I finally finished with the read aloud late last night.

I did a comparison document, and it's just staggering how much changed in the name of voice. I've never put so much effort into figuring out whether or not my main character would say a single word. On the other hand, this manuscript might have the clearest voice out of any mine now. The longer I thought about what my characters might and might not say... the clearer it became how much our upbringing and environment might affect our speech and thought patterns.

Piper was born in Hidden Creek, Alabama... a small town. She's super smart, but she's picked up little colloquialisms from her family and surroundings. She is well-educated but she's still a teenager... and just because she might write an essay grammar perfect... doesn't mean she speaks or thinks anywhere near that way. She also has OCD so she spends a lot of time thinking about how dirty things are and what each person is really thinking. She also has like twenty thoughts for every one of Gris's. Her chapters are a lot longer. Her thoughts are more emotionally rich than Gris's too. She uses the word 'cause instead of because quite a bit. She doesn't use profanity but says stuff like "Hush my mouth!" and "Holy frak!" and "Good night!"

Gris has been living in Atlanta and other big cities in the South. He has an accent, but his speech is neater and less idiomatic. He didn't go to public school but he graduated early with a GED... so his social skills are less impacted by peers. You can tell he has had "respect women" beaten into him by his mama. He does use some profanity but it's more frequently in his head... or to get a rise out of Piper. He also is a nineteen year old boy... so his thoughts are more "physical" in nature. He typically evaluates things on a more surface-level than Piper does and doesn't obsess over the details nearly as much.

There were other words that I had to work out of the manuscript that were more "me" than "them." The word "okay" for example. "Okay" is my standard affirmative response. It's not theirs. Piper says "fine" and Gris says either "alright" or "alright fine." Neither would ever use the word "awesome" or "cool" or "wow" and it sounded really strange every time it snuck into the manuscript, so it was edited out. Neither says "someone" instead it's "somebody" or "a person." So the sentence: Do you think someone would do that? becomes: You reckon a person/somebody would do that? The word "really" was another hang up. It got cut or swapped out quite a lot. As did "so" and a few others. Some of the "still" and "well" pauses got to stick around, but not all of them. I didn't add any and I did cut quite a few.

Another strange change was that many of the ellipses and filler words wound up on the cutting room floor. They both had more deliberate thoughts and there were fewer mental rhetorical questions. Piper didn't spend half the book talking to herself in the form of questions. (I'll take "Southern Speech Patterns" for a thousand, Alex.) She pushed through to making suppositions. Gris just said things slower rather than saying "uhh...."

Anyway, so there were other words and other examples, but would you like to see how their first kiss changed with a southern voice being added? I thought you might. Hopefully you can tell the difference and the second excerpt has a bit more voice than the first... hopefully. I'd love opinions on this.

Remember to say it in your head with an accent. ; ) This is in a chapter from Piper's POV, btw.

Before:

“You’re interesting, but that’s not what it is. I’ve been… uhh… tutored my whole life. I’ve never attended public school. I don’t know how to do things in the right order or say the right things, Piper.”

“There is a right order?” I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about, but that seemed like a good place to start. Order was good. I liked order.

“Obviously—if you didn’t even know that I like you.”

“Like as a friend?” Did friends hold hands? Still, he hadn’t made any moves or….

He tipped my chin up with our joined hands, and his mouth touched mine.

Oh… so… like that. Wow. I was so going to count this as my first kiss.

Their first kiss southern-style:

“You’re interesting, but that’s not what it is. I’ve been home-schooled my whole life. Never attended public school or any school at all. I don’t know how to do things in the right order or say the right things, Piper.”

“There’s a right order?” I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about, but that seemed like a good place to start. Order was good. I liked order.

“There must be. I must be doing this all wrong if you hadn’t any idea I liked you.”

Gris couldn’t do things wrong if he tried. He could sweet-talk a snake out of its skin.

“Like as a friend?” Did friends hold hands? Still, he hadn’t made any moves or….

He tipped my chin up with our joined hands, and his mouth touched mine.

Oh… so… like that. His lips were soft and sweet on mine… and maybe just a bit unsure though that was hard to imagine since it was Gris. I was most certainly gonna count this as my first kiss.