ARR Ye Scurvy Writin’ Scum,
This here be a respectable attempt at written stories, but ye failed to be rememberin we don’t like ye… nary a bit, ye landlubber. We followed this here tale across the continent just to vex ye. Ye’ll no be publishin yer work if I, Captain Larry the Literary, be havin a say in it.
This be yer first warnin. It be treasure… and it be MY booty and no sorry excuse for an agent be lucky enough to touch it while I rule these parts. From now on, ye’ll be sendin your work to me… and ONLY to me. While ye be useful, we’ll be lettin ye live. If ye prove to be the bilge of the barnacles, we be havin ye walk the plank.
I be a reasonable man. I’m allowin this so-called agent to live as long as she forthwith agrees nary to cross my path again. Reasonable says I, but also wise to the tricks of those that tarry in New York. Full of fools, says I.
If ye be wantin yer head to stay attached, keep yer manuscripts to yerself or send them to my ship. All else will be viewed as mutiny. Mutiny I tells ye! Ye be no wantin to know what I does to them that crosses me.
This be my signature,
Captain Larry the Literary
And this be the signature of the agent who’ll ne’er be contactin ye if she knows what’s best for her,