Where Ladybugs Roar

Confessions and Passions of a Compulsive Writer

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Day Twenty-two-- Disgust, Despair, Dread, Depression, and Disturbed Diatribe

It's rare that I get depressed, but today I am that. It's not over anything specific and yet it's over everything.


Dealing with this new issue with the car is frustrating. The husband has been trying to deal with it, and it just seems to be defying him at every turn. It keeps over-heating whenever it feels like it. I just really want everything around me to continue to function indefinitely. Is that so much to ask? We go through these months where I feel like we're hemorrhaging money--and having our car break down just before our annual big road trip to visit family--and just before Christmas. AHHHH! I just want to go scream into a pillow.

The husband is doing everything right and then some, but I can't seem to help feeling this way. It's like this pervasive sickness that no matter what I do--it's there. I've been sketchy on taking my OCD pills on time and maybe that's a little to do with it. (I don't suffer from depression while medicated or unmedicated unless I don't keep on schedule for my OCD pills.) Also, my husband lost my keys by accident--which also isn't a big deal until it's on top of everything else.

I bumped into someone who'd gotten my books from her daughter and she wanted to know where she could buy the Honor series because she had a lot of friends that wanted to read it, and she wanted to pass the books to them, but she couldn't. It should have made me feel good, but I just feel so stuck. Where do I go from here? What do I do with Honor? Where should I focus my time? I keep thinking that I need to sit down and get out some more queries on Honor, but I feel sacked every time I look in my inbox and see a rejection. Do I really want to deal with that so soon and right now? Nothing ventured is--but still... what if I don't feel like venturing right now? I don't feel like being rejected anymore. Honor is good. People LOVE Honor Among Thieves. Still, the thought of throwing her out to the wolves again fills me with dread.

Ugh. Then, here we are on Day Twenty-two, and I just don't know what to do about Scorched. Normally, I've finished and done a reread by now. What's wrong with me that I just feel so lost? I feel a little stuck over the ending. What am I doing with Scorched? Why do I keep getting nailed with the dreaded Writer's Block in regards to it? I can sense I'm about five thousand words from the end, but I just keep stopping every thousand words because I don't know where it's going. This isn't like me. I'm just so lost.

So, the normal solace I take in writing--is even frustrating.

Today in church we had a discussion about, of all things, the prevalence of profanity and moral decay in the media. Someone said, "What you permit--you promote," and my mom took me to task over profanity when she came to visit. It has me thinking and rethinking what profanity I do "allow" in my current bunch of books. Every time I write, I do so knowing that I'll be basically handing it over to a thirteen or fourteen year old stalker fan to read. Am I okay with the level of language in my books? So far, no one has said anything to me really, but it's just one more thing to think about--especially with Scorched being YA and having more than my usual amount of profanity due to who Scorch hangs out with every so often. (Auto shop guys don't use the cleanest language.)

Speaking of 'F' words:

I feel like a failure that I don't want to deal with queries right now. I feel like a failure because I don't want to clean right now. I feel like a failure because my kids are making me want to scream so frequently. I feel like a failure because I can't seem to write an ending to Scorched. We're stuck on a Sunday and I need to get to Friday. I just can't seem to fabricate four days of stuff. I can't get from Point A to Point B. There is no straight line! AHHHHH! Why? Why is there no straight line? There is always a straight line in my head.

So, I guess if we use the psychology of first and last on this post. I guess human nature has revealed that I'm most frustrated about my car and not being able to finish Scorched. That might be it. I don't know. The rest very well could be filler.

Anyway. This is more of a rant and a gripe than a post, but there you have it. I'm going to go eat frosting in front of the fire and hope for the ending to Scorched to slide into my head.

I hope, hope, hope, hope everyone is having a better weekend than me.


  1. Dude, that sucks! I'm sorry you're feeling down. I'm in the middle of moving house and all I want to do is write and Husband and I are snapping at each other...sigh. I think it's that time of year--everyone is burnt out.

    As for Scorched, that sucks too. I had a hard time ending Charms. In the end I wrote a crap ending that I've changed 3 times and it's going to be changed again. Just write, if it's lame then you can re-do it. Often I need to type THE END before I can move onto fix the broke bits of a story. I hope things improve.

  2. It's good to have a place to vent. This sounds so frustrating because it's not like you can put off spending the money on getting the car fixed. It's not like a busted dinner table ("We'll just eat on the floor, picnic style!") or a broken TV ("More time for reading!")... it's your vehicle. Hard to find a bright side. I'm sorry that it's right before Christmas, too. This is brutal. Hugs, sweetie.

    I read about a published author who, whenever he got stuck, pasted his ms in a new document, and continued with random alien attacks and zombies of dead villains coming back for no reason, basically whatever popped into his head. Then he'd get back to his real wip. I suppose it sounds like fun. I'm stalled on my wip too, but I don't know if I could go through with that. Even knowing that the real ms was safe in another document, it would seem wrong somehow.

  3. Hey, Jade and Diana. I'm doing a little better. I spent some time in front of the fire proof-reading one of my books. The kids are in the other room, so the quiet and warmth in here with my laptop now is very soothing. I might try to work on Scorched for a while and see where that goes. I also need to go do some Flashy Fiction, so maybe I'll use that for a warm-up.

  4. I'm glad to hear that Wendy :)

    I'm jealous that you're in front of a fire, it sounds nice.

  5. Things always get better! A nice mantra at a time like this is, "This too shall pass."

    My grandma taught me that when I was pregnant. :) It works!

    I hope things get better ASAP!

  6. Oh Wendy what bunch of crap. CRAP! Forget screaming in a pillow, go outside in your 30 degree weather and scream you little freaking heart out. I'm frustrated for you. This weekend I have spent so much time on my WIP and though I have made progress it has been tiny baby steps.

    Step away from Scorched.

    Are you reading a good book right now? I just realized myself that I feel alive when I have a good book to read and I ain't reading anything exciting right now. My writing flows like the tears of PMS woman watching a Pantene commercial when I have a good book to read. (Did you see the awesome commercial on the Janet Reid's blog on 10/30? Tears a flowing.)

    Hang in there girly. Your public needs you back. I need my funny girl back. "Big squishy hug" is what my four year old says.

  7. Wendy, have you read Matt's post today. I laughed so hard I cried. You have to get over there and read about his neighbor Howard.

    Ok, it is a sad state of affairs that I get a laugh over the poor ignorance that is his neighbor but it is so unreal I couldn't help it.

  8. Hey Wendy, thanks for this post. Lots of times when I'm writing, or in between writing projects I feel completely lost. Rejections are flowing in from my last MS, I'm having plot problems with my current one and it all leaves me feeling, eh.

    For me I'm going to keep thinking about writing. Not sure if I'm going to get anything written, but just thinking about the current WIP helps.

    That a-ha moment has to be around the corner. I'm sure it'll hit us both soon!

  9. Wendy,
    I am EXACTLY where you are, only I do suffer from depression on a regular basis. I'm getting nowhere on my current WIP. I'm depressed. Both of our cars are on the blink. One is still drivable, but it could go at any time. I'm really tired of life being hard. Where's the cookie dough?

  10. {{hugs}}

    Maybe I should fed-ex you a batch of frosting. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    And might I say, you are not a failure. You lift my spirits almost daily--even this post lifted me. It reminded me I'm not alone in the dark moments.

  11. Sometimes life bites the big one!

    I found myself thinking. I need a break from life. Just a few days without it. Without stress. Ahh...sweet oblivion. Sadly I can't figure out how to accomplish this, but if I ever perfect my suspended animation machine, I'll loan it to you.

    Mom brought back your books. I was extremely excited and started rubbing my hands together Monty Burns style, "Excellent!" I asked for your books for Christmas and everyone kept bringing up the fact that your books are constantly in revision. I responded..."well, yeah...so! What are you trying to say, that I shouldn't have whatever I want. I must have it, I must get it, you must go and get it for me." sorry slipped into Veggietales there. Don't get scared. Send Honor out again. She can take care of herself. She can kick butt, don't worry about her. She has Tuck. We need to get you a Tuck. And she needs to be published so I can have a permanent copy.

    I hope your writer's block disappears. Because I'm looking forward to fire, and demons, and apparently a very hot teenage boy. (starts giggling...very hot, He he he)

    Love you.

  12. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, Wendy. Please don't feel like a failure. I am constantly awed by your writing prowess. I've been on the same WIP for about a year and a half and I'm only about halfway through--and that's the first draft and then I have to tackle revisions. You're so far ahead of me I can't even see your dust.

  13. Stephanie, I had someone tell me something equally inspirational when I was pregnant: "No one is pregnant forever."

    GwOE, reading other books totally sets me back at times with my own writing. It's frustrating. I went and read Matt's post. Poor Matt. His stories about his neighbor just seem to fictional to be true and prove the phrase that "truth is stranger than fiction." Dead fish on the ground. Ewwww.

    Steph, I love when the aha moment comes. It makes it all worthwhile.

    Tina, I'm so sorry. I hope you found cookie dough. You've seemed down lately. I'm sorry.

    Catherine, thanks for the hugs. I bought an extra thing of rainbow chip last time I was at the store. I'm good.

    Jaime, I'm glad you're excited, and you're right, Honor can kick some butt. She likes to kick butt. No one kicks butt like Honor. Yell at Mom for not letting everyone know that she got home safely. We were all annoyed that they couldn't check in via cell phone. They need a prepaid cell phone at the very least. AT THE VERY LEAST. Sheesh.

    Sesq, don't worry. I'm sitting in my dust waiting for you to catch up. :) Thank you for all your posts in my blog. You're a real sweetheart. Hugs.